Gonna keep this short and to the point.

we made it to Albania a week ago.

Going from Central American to Europe has been a real culture shock.   From Spanish to some weird language.

I was finally remembering enough Spanish words that I could have a Conversation and now I can’t even say hey. Albania language is very difficult. Thankful most people now some English 

Everything is new.

New team.

New Country.

6 hrs time changes. Jet lag is a real thing.

New language.

Cold weather. Etc..

Living in the city there’s so much going on I don’t know how to feel. 

I feel like I don’t have a purpose for being here.

There’s been some really good moments and have met some really nice people but inside I’m exhausted and drained. 

Christmas Eva we got to go out and help pass out tea and chocolate to the police officers and people cleaning the roads, I tried so hard to make myself enjoy it to find joy in giving and praying for people, but I inside I was really struggling with even caring about the people. 

That night I laid in bed trying to sleep but I started crying harder and harder, I got up the went to the bathroom in the hallway so my teammates wouldn’t hear me (turns out they had already heard me and we’re praying for me)  I started having a Panic attack. As I sat on the cold floor crying so hard I couldn’t breathe and really couldn’t stop i Tried to think of all good things that have happened and fun moments but I couldn’t, it’s scary,  all I couldn’t think about was negative things.  The enemy just trying to tell me all kinds of stuff about myself, I know that it’s not true but it feels so real,  I tried to pray and remind myself who I am and why God has called me here but it’s hard sometimes.  Around like 2am I stop and eventually fell asleep.                                                                                    The next Morning I really did not want to go to ministry I was tired, my eyes we’re puffy from crying, I didn’t feel good. But I made myself go. I had to put my own feelings aside and do what was right. And it was a really good Christmas day, we got to help pass out shoeboxes and see the kids get so excited, we got to do a Little drama for the kids about what Christmas is about.  We got to go to people house and hear some of their stories a prayer for them.  It turned out to be a joyful day!    If I would have did what I felt like and stayed home I would’ve missed out on of that.    That’s why we can’t go by our feeling.  We have to do what is right even though it’s a super hard sometimes.

But I’m still struggling with a lot of negative thoughts and feelings of just not wanting to be here, and being exhausted.

We racers sometimes forget that we are human, and we cannot be on go mode all the time. We must remind ourselves that what we go through is something most people will never experience. The constant change, the different cultures, living with people that legit started out as strangers and then the hardest part for me is never truly having alone time,  It is not a normal situation and one of the toughest parts is not being able to explain everything we go through with you all. It’s just impossible.

I say all this to ask for prayer?

Pray that I can Remember why I signed up for this trip.   Prayer that I will give myself Grace when I mess up and that I would be strong enough to get up and start again.

Prayers that I would overcome this these panic attacks I  used to never get them and for some reason on this race I’ve been getting them a lot. 

Prayers that I be in the present and enjoy every day and stop thinking about the future. 

I’m so grateful for all of y’all who send me messages and are praying for me it means a lot!      I couldn’t not do this with out yall.

I Probably would’ve come home if it wouldn’t be for all my supporters knowing that y’all are praying for me keeps me going!<3 

Thank you so much!

I hope y’all had a merry Christmas!

If there is anything I can be praying for y’all let me know? I would love to hear what God is doing in your life?

Sorry for all the bad grammar and words that are not spelled right. I wrote this fast and did not get anyone to Proofread it for me!:) 

-Gwen